The One Thing You Need To Find True Everlasting Love | Dr. Stan Tatkin
There is no such thing as “perfect” when it comes to human beings. The question that really matters when looking for true love is: do you think you’re good enough to be in a good relationship?
Most dating advice is about finding your ideal partner. Embarrassingly, one of my own books even has a subtitle that describes how to find your ideal partner. I wish I could change this caption.
So what’s the one thing you need to find true, eternal love?
So let me put this out there and tell you what I really think about the concept of an “ideal” partner: There is no such thing as an ideal partner. There is only a good enough partner and a good relationship.
Don’t get me wrong – a good enough partner is awesome. When I say pretty good, I mean not perfect. While there are no guides to learning how to find the perfect partner, find love, or find your ideal mate, there are some solid guidelines that will determine whether your relationship will be great, good, acceptable, or a nightmare.
Decide what your relationship should be – not just for you, but for both of you. It is important that your ideas serve personal and mutual interests.
Build your great relationship around real concerns like:
Once you’ve developed your principles for a great relationship, find a good enough partner who is willing and able to play with you in the partnership sandbox.
Make sure you both agree on what the relationship should be, regardless of its imperfections. For example, in my marriage, our relationship is guided by principles that we both believe in. These principles protect us from ourselves and each other and from outsiders.
These principles or agreements guide our behavior in the relationship because if we were to let our personalities, interests, feelings or whims guide us, we would probably no longer be happily married.
So, in summary, you don’t have to be the epitome of mental health, the nicest person in the world, or anything but yourself.
You need to be clear about the relationship for both of you and not accept anything else after that. Hopefully, you expect and insist that your love relationship be fully cooperative, egalitarian, respectful, and sensitive.
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If your “ideal” partner doesn’t buy into these principles, they’re far from ideal—and they’re not right for you!
Dr. Stan Tatkin is a clinician, teacher and developer of A Psychobiological Approach To Couples Therapy (PACT). She specializes in working with couples and individuals who want to live in a relationship.