Tell your married friend if you see your partner on a dating app?
By Jana Hocking for Daily Mail Australia
February 25, 2023 9:15 p.m., updated February 25, 2023 10:22 p.m.
- Jana Hocking spotted her friend’s husband on a dating app
- He decided not to tell his wife that he had seen her there
- “Cheating is never black and white,” says Jana
I recently faced a moral dilemma.
I was scrolling through Bumble when I came across a friend’s profile. A very married guy I know. Not to completely stereotype anyone, but he’s exactly the kind of guy you’d expect to jump on a dating app to get a little insight into what he has to offer outside of his marriage.
I was faced with a decision… should I screenshot his profile and reveal all to his very sweet wife, or should I keep scrolling and say nothing?
You’ve opened a Pandora’s box of questions… does your wife want to know? Would I singlehandedly ruin their marriage? Is it my place to intervene?
I took the screenshots and then thought deeply. I asked a very close friend to whom I could confide such a secret. Heck, I googled the answer.
And after sitting with this information for about 24 hours, the answer came. It was a definite no. I wouldn’t tell his wife.
Now many people are outraged by this. Especially someone who has been cheated on before or is currently suspected of cheating. But my argument is very simple.
Cheating is never black and white.
Unless I literally walked in on him uploading his photos to a dating website, do I really know if it was him? How do I know it’s actually cheating – maybe like many couples these days, they’ve decided to give open marriage a try? I would be surprised by the seemingly innocent couples who are currently ENM (ethically non-monogamous).
Seriously, after writing about my own ethically non-monogamous experience, I was inundated with friends who admitted (under the guise of secrecy) that they were in ENM marriages. I’ll shake you, I say!
Is your partner cheating on you? The relationship expert reveals the most important signs to look out for
THE ACCIDENTAL FRAUDER
* Stays behind at work more often
* Looks more animated on phone
* Increased and suspicious social media use
* Perfect machining or waxing
* Lines like “I just need a little alone time” are used more often
* Talking about a new person at work or on the golf course before suddenly stopping to mention that person
THE ONCE UPON A TIMEFF CHEATER
* They will say they love you much more, but won’t show it
* You will have guilty moments and buy unexpected gifts
* They take me to nice places, but the conversation is muffled
* The unusual distance is attributed to “work stress”.
THE SERIAL FRAUD
* They are harder to recognize because they have mastered their craft
* They go out of their way to tell you that their ex was insecure and that they have friends of the opposite sex
* They get defensive when you ask about their night or who they were with
* They profess their undying love for you and in the same breath suggest you get help because you’re ruining the relationship with your insecurities
* They use lines like “why are you so insecure all of a sudden?”
He even hit me a few in my group of friends for fun. It’s flattering… but unfortunately not my type.
There is another situation that puts the whole “cheating” thing in a gray area. I find that in couples one person loses interest in sex and doesn’t mind if the other one looks for it elsewhere, they just never deal with it.
Strangely, or perhaps not, this seems to work for many long-term couples.
What about other examples of cheating… Say colleagues in your office who you know are married to other people, but they always go out for coffee together, leave work events together, or seem to have a very strong bond. Your gut tells you they’re cheating and everyone in the office is gossiping about it, but should they call their partners? Again, I think not.
Unless you catch them in the act, I don’t think this is your place. You can’t detonate a bomb in someone’s life without rock solid evidence. You see, I speak from experience. Someone told me that my ex was cheating on me and I wanted to know all the facts.
Where? When? How long? The problem was that this person had no evidence. All that was said was a “whisper”. It sent me into an absolute spiral. I ended up going through his phone and getting deeply paranoid when he came home late and checking up on his boys nights to see if he was flirting with anyone. Totally confused me. I didn’t recognize who I was becoming.
Does your profile remain active in dating apps if you delete the app?
In most apps, you need to delete your profile, not just the app, to stop it from appearing in news feeds. However, it is more likely to appear if it has been active recently.
Deleting, uninstalling or removing the Hinge app does not automatically delete your profile – it may still be visible to other users.
If you have deleted the application, your profile will remain online. However, the less you use Tinder, the less you appear in people’s searches. According to Tinder, if your account is inactive for more than seven days, you won’t be visible at all.
Bumble remains active for 24 hours after the app is deleted. If you see someone on Bumble, it’s because they’ve used the app in the last 30 days.
After you turn off Date Mode, a message will notify you that your dating profile will be permanently deleted and all your contacts in Date Mode will be deleted.
So if you want to tell someone’s partner that they’re cheating, you need to be prepared to present your case. Because without proof, you can quickly be considered a troublemaker. Whether your heart is in the right place or not.
Sure, the saying “where there’s smoke there’s fire” is true, but judging by the amount of camaraderie I’ve seen someone speak, I’d like to see the actual fire before I take out my megaphone.
Now on the flip side, I think there are times when we need to tell a partner. For example, if you know they are lighting gas. If you’ve seen your best friend’s boyfriend try out a girl at a bar, I think you’re within your rights to mention it. Especially when she already had her doubts and he keeps telling her she’s “crazy.” This will only save your best friend a lot of therapy bills later. Haven’t we learned anything from the MAFS folks?
But if you were to find yourself in a situation where the knowledge somehow got out… I suggest you make sure you have a solid set of facts before you drop the bombshell. Otherwise, you might find yourself in the firing line and leave our drama to these fabulous reality shows – it’s not as fun in real life.