Tell your married friend if you see your partner on a dating app?

• Jana Hocking spotted her friend’s husband on a dating app
• He decided not to tell his wife that he had seen her there
• “Cheating is never black and white,” says Jana

I recently faced a moral dilemma.

I was scrolling through Bumble when I came across a friend’s profile. A very married guy I know. Not to completely stereotype anyone, but he’s exactly the kind of guy you’d expect to jump on a dating app to get a little insight into what he has to offer outside of his marriage.

I was faced with a decision… should I screenshot his profile and reveal all to his very sweet wife, or should I keep scrolling and say nothing?

You’ve opened a Pandora’s box of questions… does your wife want to know? Would I singlehandedly ruin their marriage? Is it my place to intervene?

I took the screenshots and then thought deeply. I asked a very close friend to whom I could confide such a secret. Heck, I googled the answer.

And after sitting with this information for about 24 hours, the answer came. It was a definite no. I wouldn’t tell his wife.

Now many people are outraged by this. Especially someone who has been cheated on before or is currently suspected of cheating. But my argument is very simple.

Cheating is never black and white.

Unless I literally walked in on him uploading his photos to a dating website, do I really know if it was him? How do I know it’s actually cheating – maybe like many couples these days, they’ve decided to give open marriage a try? I would be surprised by the seemingly innocent couples who are currently ENM (ethically non-monogamous).

Seriously, after writing about my own ethically non-monogamous experience, I was inundated with friends who admitted (under the guise of secrecy) that they were in ENM marriages. I’ll shake you, I say!

He even hit me a few in my group of friends for fun. It’s flattering… but unfortunately not my type.

There is another situation that puts the whole “cheating” thing in a gray area. I find that in couples one person loses interest in sex and doesn’t mind if the other one looks for it elsewhere, they just never deal with it.

Strangely, or perhaps not, this seems to work for many long-term couples.

What about other examples of cheating… Say colleagues in your office who you know are married to other people, but they always go out for coffee together, leave work events together, or seem to have a very strong bond. Your gut tells you they’re cheating and everyone in the office is gossiping about it, but should they call their partners? Again, I think not.

Unless you catch them in the act, I don’t think this is your place. You can’t detonate a bomb in someone’s life without rock solid evidence. You see, I speak from experience. Someone told me that my ex was cheating on me and I wanted to know all the facts.

Where? When? How long? The problem was that this person had no evidence. All that was said was a “whisper”. It sent me into an absolute spiral. I ended up going through his phone and getting deeply paranoid when he came home late and checking up on his boys nights to see if he was flirting with anyone. Totally confused me. I didn’t recognize who I was becoming.

So if you want to tell someone’s partner that they’re cheating, you need to be prepared to present your case. Because without proof, you can quickly be considered a troublemaker. Whether your heart is in the right place or not.

Sure, the saying “where there’s smoke there’s fire” is true, but judging by the amount of camaraderie I’ve seen someone speak, I’d like to see the actual fire before I take out my megaphone.

Now on the flip side, I think there are times when we need to tell a partner. For example, if you know they are lighting gas. If you’ve seen your best friend’s boyfriend try out a girl at a bar, I think you’re within your rights to mention it. Especially when she already had her doubts and he keeps telling her she’s “crazy.” This will only save your best friend a lot of therapy bills later. Haven’t we learned anything from the MAFS folks?

But if you were to find yourself in a situation where the knowledge somehow got out… I suggest you make sure you have a solid set of facts before you drop the bombshell. Otherwise, you might find yourself in the firing line and leave our drama to these fabulous reality shows – it’s not as fun in real life.