I’m waiting for your divorce

Hi Meredith,

Last year my marriage collapsed after 14 years together. We tried counseling (twice) but were unable to resolve our differences. While this was happening, I met a man who told me that his marriage of 22 years had also collapsed. We started an affair, so I immediately asked my husband for a divorce and moved out. I live alone now. The man I started the affair with said he was going to divorce his wife, but his side is much slower because they have two kids.

Four months after I moved out, he served his divorce papers and started divorce proceedings (negotiations with lawyers about property division, child custody, etc.). Because he wants partial custody of the kids, he can’t leave the house until the divorce is final, which means we have to keep our relationship a secret. He calls me every day and visits me often, we talk about how much we are in love and how we want to build a future together.

However, the fact that he is still having an affair with me while I am free (my divorce is final) puts a strain on the relationship. He said he was going as fast as he could and asked me to be patient and trust him. He said they were scheduled to move in the summer. I’ve tried to focus on the future and be patient while he deals with his divorce, but many of my emotional needs are not being met in the meantime. He gets upset when I bring up that because of his current situation we can’t have normal relationship activities. Our chemistry is intense, we are deeply in love, we share interests, and we get along great, but I don’t know how to proceed. I would like to hear your advice.

“He’s an impatient divorcee.”

I don’t know why you have to stay in the house until the divorce is final. Maybe he and his wife are still figuring out the details of the divorce and he doesn’t want to let it go just yet, but… many divorcing couples manage to live in separate homes.

I’m not calling you a liar, I’m just more curious about the details of this setup. Is it about affordability, quality time, your partner’s relationship with the news, or something else?

I also question whether the two of you can expect to fully hook up, be public, and build a future once you leave the house. If this divorce happens, you may want to set boundaries with your children and wait to introduce yourself until they have had time to adjust to the new routines.

Of course, it’s understandable if you want to date someone who doesn’t live with his wife. Summer isn’t that far away, so it’s worth waiting to see how things change then. If you’re not moving out and still waiting for “normal couple stuff” because you’re living with your family, accept that the timing may be off here. It is possible for two people to love each other but go on different paths.

Remember that your marriage broke up last year. I’m sure there were issues before 2022, but these changes are still pretty new. Even if you are moving out of your house in a few months, you will need patience for the next steps. Your kids come first and you have to get around that. Consider whether you are willing to be slow and flexible.

Meredith

I am reading? What about the pace here? Can you talk about still living at home and what your expectations are for moving out?