I still think about him and smile
Not sure if it’s a question, a thought, or I just can’t sleep at night. I met this guy three years ago. It was the first really strong connection I had felt in such a long time. We met on a dating site. It can be read like a movie, it finishes each other’s sentences, any little thing creates excitement. Then as quickly as he arrived, he was gone. Before even meeting him, he seemed to suddenly lose interest. She said she had bipolar disorder and had met someone with the same diagnosis. He decided that he wanted to continue this relationship. I was at a loss, but I let it go.
I just divorced my husband of nine years a few months ago. By the time the divorce came, I had been mourning the loss of our marriage for years. This new moment in my life was a gift, something unexpected. So I wasn’t mad at this guy when he explained what happened. I wished her well and asked her to contact her if she wanted to in the future.
We reconnected a month later. This time we met and then went on a date. I was totally rooting for this guy. He had a place by the water and we spent the summer nights in his apartment with the windows open and the music flowing. It took four weeks for him to leave a nine-second message on my phone saying, “Yeah, I just don’t know,” and disappear again. I was devastated.
Yes, it reappeared and disappeared – and again and again. So for three years. I could write every single detail, but this letter could go on forever and I might feel a little silly trying to explain why I didn’t give up. We’re not together anymore. It’s been a few months now. This time I did the unthinkable and actually blocked him, for his sake and mine. I’m dating and I feel good about it.
The thing is, if I thought about my last day on earth and the world ended, I still think I want to wake up with him. I want to go back to that apartment, by the water, with the windows open and the breeze. And that energetic feeling and that sound that I could listen to for hours. I read somewhere the other day that loyalty isn’t about staying forever, it’s about coming back. Even now, I can’t help but smile when I think that maybe there’s still a chance that I’ll see you again and we’ll be close again. Not sure what that means to us, but isn’t it wonderful that we still feel love regardless? How do I deal with these feelings?
If it were my last day on Earth—the end of the world, for sure—I would gather my family and friends, watch movies, and eat a lot of food that is terrible for me.
But as far as I know, the world will survive the day, which means I don’t get to eat that awful food.
This man was like such a food (maybe even the cotton candy that I love so much), which is why I’m glad you blocked him. It’s time to refine what romance can be. Sometimes he is calm and consistent. It can be fun too, I swear.
Showing up with a lot of passion might seem like the most interesting kind of love, but I’d argue that if you have to keep coming back after disappearing, it’s not romance at all. This person was only as good as their nine-second breakup message and all of their exits. As you think of him fondly, please remember all he did, not just the warm breeze.
I think there’s something to that comment about fidelity, but I think it’s about relationships that last more than four weeks at a time and don’t involve 5,000 breakups. It’s about falling in love with the same person over and over again. He hasn’t been with you long enough to do that.
I’m glad you can smile about it. But please allow yourself to grin when you realize it’s gone. It was a chapter in your life—a vibrant one—but it caused you stress and pain. It was inconsistent and didn’t go the distance. Letting go took courage and this is it something to celebrate.
Smile to yourself because you have moved on. Don’t fantasize about trying again; instead, focus your energy on the new experiences ahead of you.
I am reading? Is it okay to smile at this relationship? Is that smile preventing something new from sticking?