I found out that the guy I was talking to has a girlfriend. Should I tell him?

The Scene: You’ve been talking to this guy for a while now. Maybe you met in person or on a dating app. You both hit it off right away and started texting regularly and he was clearly flirting with you. You really like him and think you may have just found the perfect guy.

But sometimes it goes away hours without sending it back. Other times, he wonders why he can’t hang out. And he never posts anything about you on social media or introduces you to any of their friends. As far as you know, they don’t even know you exist. He begins to wonder what is happening to him.

Then one day you’re looking through her tagged photos on Instagram, or you happen to see a text pop up on her phone, or you notice something that only a friend of yours would have left behind in her bathroom, and it suddenly dawns on you: He is already in a relationship.

You find their social media profiles and you are clearly under the impression that they are exclusive. You feel betrayed, disgusted and guilty. You were the other woman without knowing it! Then comes the question: Would you tell your girlfriend what she did behind her back? Or is it not your business?

What are the options?

It’s probably time to cut ties with him. The kind of man who makes you want to be the other woman is not someone you want to give a second chance to. Other than that, what exactly are your options in the future?

First, you can simply try it. You can block his number and remove yourself completely from the situation, leaving out the drama of an existing relationship that you have no connection to. This option certainly protects your own well-being and is the least disruptive. However, this is also a bit of a coward’s way out. It may be two-tone, but that doesn’t mean you have to be shady too.

Your second chance? Confronting him and telling him exactly why you’re ending things and that you’re cutting off all further communication.

The third option is to skip him. You could contact his current girlfriend and tell her everything. It would be obviously it would create a mess, but it would also allow your girlfriend to make an informed decision whether or not to stay.

The kind of man who makes you want to be the other woman is not someone you want to give a second chance to.

Does it matter if they are dating or married?

Does it matter if you’ve only been with your current girlfriend for a few months? Or maybe a little over a year? Or if he’s engaged? Or married with kids (which is obviously the most devastating)? Should your current relationship status matter when deciding how to move forward?

Probably not. Fact of the matter: He’s actively unfaithful to the woman he’s with. And no matter how long they’ve been together, it doesn’t change that. When deciding whether or not to involve your wife/girlfriend, it’s important to ask yourself: you would you like to be in his shoes?

If you decide to tell him

Say you decide it’s best to tell him what you should say? What would be most useful for him?

• First, ask her if she’s in a relationship with him: “Hey, are you dating so and so?” This way, you can gauge whether you have the impression that they are in an exclusive relationship.

• After you’ve confirmed their relationship status, keep it short but sweet, making sure he understands that you had no idea he was already caught: “I’m so sorry to say this, but I just met him. [insert situation here], and it definitely gave me the impression that it was unique. We have been talking/seeing each other for a long time [insert timeframe here] before I knew about you. I broke up with him when I found out he was already in a relationship, but I thought he should know.

• Don’t forget to attach receipts, screenshots, or anything else that’s relevant so that if you decide to go against it, you can’t deny it.

• Get ready for countless reactions. He might get angry with you, start asking questions, or not answer at all. Whatever your answer is, remember how broken your heart is.

Closing thoughts

It’s a shocking feeling to realize that you were the other woman unknowingly. But there are some ways to handle it wisely. First, take the high road and break things off with him; don’t just tempt him. Then decide if you want to move your girlfriend. If so, remember to keep it classy and nice; while it was hard for you, you know it can’t be easy for him either.

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