He didn’t want to meet in person

Meredith,

I am a male in my 20’s and I have recently been in love with a woman in her 20’s. I met him online – he lives in Canada, about a five hour drive away. We went on four virtual dates, and he asked me out on the second one. We had similar interests, political views, religious positions, and we had deep conversations about the text. We had no problem roasting and joking with each other, whether it was via text or on a date. He even sent me a good morning message on the second day of the conversation.

On the third date, we both agreed that we were looking for something serious, not casual. This date lasted over four hours! Also, he was constantly talking about how toxic and immature his exes were, and even though he had never been in a relationship, I talked about some of my past dating experiences. Towards the end of our fourth date, which was after more than three weeks of chatting, I listened to my friends’ advice and asked him about meeting in person, which he was considering.

Some friends thought I could have asked after the third date, but my gut feeling was that it was too soon. Anyway, two days after the 4th date, he said he’d rather stay single and made no mention of seeing me in person.

As a result, not only do I feel disappointed, but I feel that trust has been broken. I have already decided that I don’t want to talk to him anymore because of this. My question is: How can I trust women in the future? She’s never been in a relationship before, and this is the second time in three months that a woman has ended things with me for no apparent reason. In both cases, it would have been long distance, I asked what they thought about meeting in person, and it ended in a short time. I’ve tried short-term dating, and there are people I’ve met in person, but in those cases, I’ve never gone on a second date.

– Not good enough

– How can I trust women in the future?

I want to start here because this is not about “women” or lies. Some people start their courtship with good intentions, but after a while they change their mind about what they want. That’s okay—and you might do it in a future relationship.

In this case, it’s very likely that distance became an issue when you thought about how to meet in person. In dating, ideas are sometimes nice, but when it comes to execution, the real obstacles seem bigger.

That was a good lesson in your intuition. After three dates—and many hours of bonding—you weren’t sure if asking him out was appropriate. Even though he clicked with her on important things, she suspected he wasn’t ready to take the next step. You want to be with someone who will make it work in real life. Basically, you don’t want a girlfriend in Canada – and your gut told you it might not be a good fit.

Please return to local dating. I know you didn’t make it to date 2 at home, but you’re not alone. People here will tell you they’ve been on a million first dates and that the world of on-demand dating is a lot of quick chat, see you once, and move on. It helps to treat first outings like a conversation at a party. Maybe something will come of it, maybe practice for the next one.

One last thought: we’ve had tons of letters from people who invest in a new relationship only to find out it’s not going to happen. I wish I could tell everyone when it’s worth getting excited about the potential. There’s really no way to date without risking rejection and disappointment, but it helps to manage expectations until someone follows through on your plans a few times. This is a good place to start.

Meredith

I am reading? As a final thought, when does it feel good to be excited for someone? How do you manage hopes and investments before you know what someone really wants?