Don’t Be Picky and Forget Chemistry: Your Guide to Tinder Success According to the App’s Science Advisor | Society
It happened two days before Christmas 2005. “Nothing ever happens in New York two days before Christmas,” says anthropologist and biologist Helen Fisher, 77. But he got a call from Match Group, an internet and technology company he owns and operates. the largest global portfolio of popular online dating services including Tinder, Hinge and OkCupid. He was called to an urgent meeting. “I went up to the [office of the] president, and they wanted to know why someone fell in love with one person and not another,” he says. “Then I told them, ‘I have no idea.’ But it got Fisher thinking.
Clearly, status, beliefs, and upbringing play a role. But, he thought, there must be something genetic. That’s why he created a test that distinguishes four personality types: explorer, manager, negotiator and builder. Each is associated with a specific neurotransmitter or hormone. “This is the only one [test] in a world based on biology and confirmed by two brain experiments,” he told EL PAÍS during a video conference in New York. Millions of people around the world have taken the test, giving Match’s method some scientific reasoning. Fisher insisted that a retired Princeton University geneticist recently told him that his test was “the only one that works.”
Since then, Fisher has been a scientific advisor to Match, although he is unfamiliar with the apps and their algorithms. You don’t know how the app chooses which profiles are shown to its users. However, since 2010, it has been using your data to prepare an annual survey Singles in the United States, which collects responses from 5,000 people. He’s been in the business long enough to be called “one of the most cited love experts” and “the world’s most cited scientist on the biology and chemistry of love.” Although the phrase “Helen Fisher love” generates 28 million hits on Google, Fisher has “no idea” where these claims come from. However, he says that “when journalists call to talk about love, they have a lot of psychologists [to choose from]but I am their only anthropological neuroscientist.”
His experience and research allows him to contextualize the relative importance of dating apps. He explains that apps have barely changed love. Fisher shares three essential dating ideas about the real impact of dating apps. One: “It’s just a new way of doing something our brains have been doing forever: we did it at a well in the desert a million years ago; Now, [we do it] on the Internet.” Two: “Psychologists who say that apps make dating very different are ridiculous; I don’t understand why people are so afraid of new technologies.” And three: “They shouldn’t be called dating apps; they should be called introductions.” [or meeting] apps” to downplay their importance.
Still, Fisher offers a few tricks for better use of dating apps. Read his tips.
1. Don’t date too much; get to know five to nine people
“A lot of people tell me I went on 30 dates in a month and I didn’t find anyone,” Fisher said. “Well, that’s why you haven’t found someone: you’re drowning in dates.” Our brains are not wired to choose from more than nine options,” he added. Too many dates means too many decisions to make and you end up not sticking with anyone.
He explained that “you have to meet [dates] in person. It’s not just a chat, email or phone conversation. The human brain is designed to look at the whole body, the material, the smile, the hesitation.”
2. After that, leave the dating app for a while
After you’ve seen five, six or seven people, it’s time to leave the app for a while. Don’t look for more options. “If you really want to get to know someone, go off the site and get to know at least one of these people, because psychological data shows that the more you get to know someone, the more you like them,” Fisher said.
“You can meet people who are obviously not for you because they’re 40 years older, or because they’re too big or too small, or they do things that you don’t think are respectable. But once you’ve met nine people in your area, exit the app. Don’t even stand to the side and look, get off it,” Fisher advised.
3. Don’t be picky and learn to say yes
You already have a handful of sensible people who would be worth seeing more of. Now it’s even harder: you have to learn to say yes. “People are too picky these days. Think about why you should say yes instead of no. There’s a biological reason for this, Fisher noted: “There’s a huge region of the brain that I’ve studied that’s related to what’s called a negativity bias. We remember the negatives and it has been adaptive for millions of years. If you forget who your enemies are, you can die.”
But now you have to give people more chances, or at least give them a little more leeway: “You go into these apps and you have a little bit of information about other profiles. And you’ll say, “oh, he likes cats,” “he likes dogs,” or “he likes golf and I like tennis,” “he goes to Grandma’s every Sunday night, and I don’t want to.” And then you say no [to them]Fisher pointed out.
Of course, you shouldn’t always say yes. But Fisher says it’s better to be open-minded: “Most people are looking for love at first sight or [whether or not they] you have chemistry. Forget it! Keep seeing someone who’s charming and fun.”
Fisher gives examples from his own life. He got married last year. It’s worth noting that when flirting, Fisher says things like, “I’m learning love. When you fall in love, you contribute to the brain circuitry of attachment – are you willing to take that risk? In 2015, her suitor at the time said yes.
Apparently the pair have taken the test and agree: they are both explorers. But there are things that annoy your husband more. “We went to the Bronx for dinner. I wanted to cross a flower bed and he said I couldn’t step on the grass. And I say: “There is no grass, there was no grass for 25 years, only dirt.” And he said, ‘Don’t step on the grass,'” Fisher recalled. Fisher explained one theory with this anecdote: “Everybody in the United States is steeped in psychology. All this is the fault of our childhood, you are a victim, but in fact 50% of variations are genetic. He didn’t want to walk on the grass because he wanted to follow the rules. I’m not like this. But you have to learn. He is who he is, and when you realize that, you don’t blame anyone and take advantage of him. As it is, he will probably be loyal to me. This is a very fruitful way of living together [with someone]he explained.
4. Don’t worry too much. This is what dating is like today; changed
According to Fisher, 40% of first dates are conducted online. Dating apps are getting less of a bad press, thanks in part to the work of scientists like him. “In the beginning, the Internet was for losers. Then we moved on to the feeling of “okay, that’s fine, it’s just not for me.” And now in the U.S. we’ve evolved to, ‘okay, I’ll try it,'” Fisher said. He added that this is normal even in universities.
Brains and love have not changed. But flirting has; now it includes liking an Instagram story, sending a quick WhatsApp message, using the perfect emoji, and sharing a song on Spotify. Fisher pointed out that these methods are not very different from those used in the past: “I recently read a Dickens novel and they sent little daily notes; Couriers were non-stop in London in the 1800s.
In addition to new, everyday ways to flirt, Fisher believes another underlying, less technological change has occurred in our own era: “What’s really new is that women have entered the workforce. The rise of two-income families has changed the way we flirt, but it hasn’t changed love itself.”
The rise of video dating may also have influenced these changes. “It helps in screening candidates, then there are fewer first dates and [feel] more comfortable, Fisher said. “With a video date, sex is out of the question, and the couple doesn’t have to worry about how much dinner will cost. It found that people who use video chats say they have more meaningful conversations, more transparency, more honesty, and more disclosure. They are more interested in financial stability than appearance,” he added.
5. People are less looking for sex than you think
But what about those looking for sex? Fisher is certain that younger people (“of reproductive age”) are having less sex than ever before. But he doesn’t have a conclusive answer as to whether apps enable more sex compared to other generations. “I think so,” he said.
Fisher has given quite a bit of thought to the younger generation’s idea of friends with benefits: “It’s a very descriptive term; [young people] they are very analytical. 34% of singles had sex with someone before their first serious date. Older people will think it’s crazy, but I think it’s a sexual interview.” It seems to be another way to get to know someone better.
Perhaps because of such “interviews”, the sporadic one-night stands of young people occur less frequently. Of the latter, Fisher said, “men are three times more likely to buy one hoping it will turn into a relationship. Nobody believes me. I have been saying for 40 years that men love more often and faster. I want to introduce the other one to friends and family members sooner. They want to move in [together] sooner than women, he explained.
6. People who meet on apps are less likely to break up
Fisher wanted to test something he’d seen in a University of Chicago science article during his own years of study: couples who meet online are less likely to break up than couples who meet in real life. What is the difference between the Internet and a bar, an airport or a church?
“Since we have 60,000 respondents, it was very easy to analyze a sample and compare couples who dated online with those who did not… It turned out that those who [dating] applications were much more likely to have jobs [and] a higher one [level of] education and seeking long-term commitment,” he said.