Ask Ellie: Why is the guy I’m dating texting me?
KI met this guy on a dating site. We’ve been hanging out for four weeks. I’ve slept with him (several times) but we also go on dates for fun, so I feel like it’s not just about sex.
I’ve noticed that a girl sometimes calls him when we hang out and they often communicate on social media. He also added me on the same social media sites so he wouldn’t hide it.
I told him I felt like he was leading us both forward. He said he liked her, but when he got to know her, he realized he didn’t like her as much as he thought. She wants to see what happens when she gets to know him. And he doesn’t want to hurt this other girl by cutting her off completely.
I still go out with him because I love him so much. You know you have to stop talking to him if we decide to make it official. But it’s annoying and hard to open up to him knowing he’s still communicating with him.
He spends all his free time with me, so I don’t know why he still talks to her. Sometimes when we’re apart and I see him interacting with her, I just want to break up. Yet I feel a real connection with him when we are together.
You might be confused and need to figure it out. I’m willing to give him time because I want him to be sure he wants me.
I’ve never been in a situation like this before. We are both in our early twenties.
THEYes, it captivates you.
Not wanting to hurt you is a weak excuse.
Unless you’re clueless, you should know that the longer you stay in the same relationship, the more you’ll think it’s more than friendship. And it will hurt all the more when he ends it – IF he ends it.
You’re both young, so while he clearly likes your company and sex, he may not be interested in an “official” role. Especially after four weeks.
If you’re trying to rush this into a long-term committed relationship, this girl will serve a good purpose in staying “confused” for as long as she can.
But if you want to make sure you’re not sharing an “equal friend” and the possibility of STDs, tell her this: You’re not competing in the front row. If another girlfriend stays on the scene for a long time, you’re gone.
Value this relationship with your own self-worth more than your former relationship with him.
KMy boyfriend and I are planning a date on Friday. We went on a date last Friday and texted all week.
Last Friday he wasn’t really romantic like usual and he says he loves me but I don’t think he really does.
I think he’s cheating. Do you have any tips to help?
THEOr he has excellent intuition and you need to ask him directly if he is cheating. Or you’re easily suspicious—perhaps you’ve been cheated on in the past—and jump to the wrong conclusion.
Talk to him instead of guessing. If your answer sounds false, tell me.
If you’re sure he’s playing with you, take a break until he can convince you that getting back together is worth it.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the satiated granny (February 24):
Reading: “My mother was 80 years old when she finally made the decision. My former stepson was extremely “entitled” (he must have gotten that from his mother). My mother was frustrated by his attitude and lack of gratitude. He then simply stopped using the gift cards, but continued to forward the cards.
“I was aware of all this and approved of his decision. A few years later, she found out and asked why she stopped using the gift cards. I asked her when was the last time she thanked and let Grandma know that she received the gift and appreciated it?
“Needless to say, my now ex-wife wasn’t too happy with me either.” Soon after, my mother called me to let me know that the boy had suddenly started acknowledging and thanking me for the cards. She honestly thought she was going to get gift cards again.
“But the damage is done. That ship has gone. My mother never sent her a gift card again.”
Lisa: If the child is old enough to notice the missing gift card, they are old enough to say thank you.
Ellie’s tip of the day
If you bring someone else to your side, you face the same fate.
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